I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
