you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
