You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
