Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
