Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
