I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
