You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You don't make any sense
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