I think my fart just growled at me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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