im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
