Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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