At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
