i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just pee around me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
