So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
