My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
