Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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