i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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