closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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