Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
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mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
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i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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