He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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