I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
