Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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