Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
