mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
