chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How does one acquire holy water?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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