Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
