put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
