I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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