Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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