I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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