New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
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Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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