saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
