you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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