If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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