apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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