Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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