I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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