so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
