After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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