Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
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