Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
