blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
