And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
