Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And then my night got REAL pukey
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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