I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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