I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
