I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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