I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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