On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
