Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
