His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
