If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I supernannyed him into submission
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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