my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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