Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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