Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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